1 Week Down

Today I went to a bridal shower for my cousin. I love weddings. I love love. I always have. While at the shower this sweet little guy snuggled up on mommy and went to sleep. Gosh I have missed this all week. I will never have enough time with him. It sucks to pay other people to raise your kid. I know most people don’t look at it that way, but I do. I don’t want to sacrifice that time with him and I have to. Thursday was the best day of the week because he had a neurologist appointment and I got to pick him up at 3 pm.  Finally home to him before 6 pm. It was amazing. When I was pregnant with him he had extra fluid on his brain so the neurologist is following him. He told me I have a perfect baby and that I’m doing a great job. Exactly what I needed to hear. I found out midway through pregnancy that the baby has Beckwith Wiedemann Syndrome. It’s a overgrowth condition. (His intestines were outside of his stomach, which is what led to the testing and now he will be screened for childhood cancers frequently.) My little man has been through a lot so far which I think makes it a million times harder to leave him.  When he was born he spent 11 days in the NICU. I slept at home and then spent maybe 4-5 hours awake with the others kids at home. I was killing myself but felt horrible leaving him there alone with the nurses. I know it’s their job, but he is MY baby. MY responsibility.   These days the other kids are in school all day and they are old enough to understand. This sweet little one has no idea what’s going on and he needs me, but I can’t be there. Life definitely isn’t fair.

Blending Families

I love my son’s father like nothing before. I can’t even begin to describe the connection we have. My life is truly incomplete without him. If we are fighting nothing in my world is right. It is the most ridiculous yet amazing thing ever. The best part is that I know he is just as crazy in love with me. He would move mountains for me. He would  give me anything money could buy. He would do almost anything to make me happy. Yep, I said almost. Almost because he has 2 other son’s. Their mom is not a great person. She makes very questionable parenting choices, she is selfish and manipulative.  She calls and texts at all hours. She calls for a shoulder to cry on when she gets herself into a jam and needs bailed out (and always gets bailed out).  It is the most frustrating thing I have ever had to deal with. No matter how many times I say something, he keeps allowing it because she is the boys mom.  I’m  2 seconds from telling her that she is the saddest excuse of a “single mom” I have ever met. She is an even sadder excuse of a woman.  I was never aware that having myself together wasn’t the way normal people did things, but after dealing with her I am.  It’s sad. I feel incredibly sad for the boys that she thinks her example is acceptable.  Ladies, if you are going to be a “single mom” please do it right. Men, if you are going to co-parent set boundaries. 
Today was my first day back at work. I woke up very early to kisses and being told that it’s gonna be ok. I really do love him.  It’s going to be a very long week, month, 5 years…but I have to do it.

This is my life…

I​’ve never had to put one of my kids in daycare. I was lucky. I was a stay at home mom with all of my girls. My ex is probably one of the worst people I have ever met, but his time in the military gave me the chance to be home with my girls and I can at least be thankful for that.  Tomorrow I go back to work after almost 3 months of maternity leave. Leaving my son for the longest yet. He doesn’t start his actual home daycare for about 2 months, but still I have to be away from him. I don’t know why anyone chooses to do this. It sucks and I haven’t even started yet.  I can only hope that knowing he is with someone I have known for 29 years makes it a little easier on me.  I’m gonna miss those chubby little cheeks and big blue eyes. He is just starting to smile at me and I have to give that up for 9.5 hours everyday. That’s life though. People always say “I don’t know how you do it.” Well, it isn’t an option. I do it because it has to be done. So tomorrow I will get up, get ready for work and when I leave that sweet little baby with one of my best friends it will be because I have to. 

This is my life

This is the post excerpt.

There is always so much going on in my life. I hope something I have to say can help someone or someone can relate and just not feel alone. I have 4 kids. 3 from a previous marriage that won’t end and one from a current relationship and then he has 2 more. So yes, 6 kids and 2 crazy exes. I’m ready to lose my mind most days, but I keep it together because I have to. That’s life. Well my life at least.