There are many days where I feel like a shitty mom. There aren’t enough hours in the day to do what I need to do. I’m exhausted so I get snappy when I don’t mean to and I feel so guilty about leaving the baby with other people that I never leave him when I’m home, which isn’t fair to my girls. It sucks, but they all had me 100% as babies and he doesn’t get that. I cry, way more than anyone knows and I spend a lot of time awake at night. My life is always going and it’s hard to shut down. Then we add SO’s kids into the mix and I have to deal with all the ways their mom is screwing up. I can deal with a lot of shit. I do in fact, but I can’t deal with a piece of shit mom. If you are tired, sleep at night. Sleep in the morning instead of blowing up SO’s phone….but to leave your kids at school because you are sleeping is fucking unacceptable. I get it. People make mistakes. This isn’t the first time though. Also, I had a “friendly” chat with her back in March when she failed to show up for a pickup and left me waiting with them for 40 mins and I ended up bringing them back home and she showed up hours later. You make “single” moms look bad. She has help. She has a boyfriend. She has family. I’m not sure how many friends she has, although I would question the quality of them. She is no different than me except I have my shit together and I have more kids, so she needs to get her shit in line. Kids don’t need your excuses. They need a parent. Every single time she isn’t at the front of the car line those boys will now wonder if she is going to show up. It’s sad, heart breaking and pathetic.
We have been fighting off and on about the clingy ex for days now. If you breathe my exes name SO will start ranting about the POS he is. He isn’t wrong. His ex is only something bad when he is pissed about something and apparently all has been forgiven on his end for the school incident already. I get that he goes off about my ex because he is so protective of me. I get it, I really do. I’ve never had someone so protective of me. Then we have his ex that gets away with whatever she wants and I’m just expected to deal with it. No, I’m not. I want no part of it and I’m tired of fighting about her. I just told him that I will have no say or input on her and he has none when it comes to my ex. I’m pretty sure I could see the steam come off him before he walked out. I’m not sure where he went. I won’t be trying to find out either. We have a lot going on in our lives and she adds so much drama to it. I don’t understand why she can’t just move on with her boyfriend and leave us alone. There is a custody schedule so there is nothing to talk about. I just don’t know how long I can deal with this. Can I really do this for 13 more years?
My relationship is complicated to say the least. My ex is my ex, but my divorce had been dragging on for 13+ months. I can’t think of a 6 month period during our 14+ year marriage where I’m certain he was faithful. My 2 youngest think the divorce is done and final and my oldest knows everything. We live in different states and I have never gave the kids hope of us getting back together. I can never say for certain why he drags it out, but I think it’s over money.
My current SO had been separated for a long while when I met him after moving home to start my divorce. We dated a bit before his ex got jealous of me and insisted they tried again “for the kids.” Eventually the guilt worked and I can’t be mad at a man trying to give his kids a proper family. It didn’t work out, never does when you can’t stay faithful, but that’s not the point here. They split up again and SO & I found our way back together. Every now and then his ex will send the most inappropriate messages and piss me off. She likes to take walks down memory lane or randomly bring up stuff about the kids. He couldn’t care less and just blows it off, he’s very good about telling me so I don’t stumble across the messages, but I can’t do that. I am so furious at the level of disrespect shown by this girl. We are supposed to be adults. I am going to be the stepmother to her children. She is constantly asking for us to pick up slack so she can take extra shifts at work, which she is fully aware means that in the morning it is me getting her sons up and off to school and yet behind my back she is disrespecting me. My ex has also moved on and I could never in a million years imagine sending anything like she sends to my ex. Not just because I hate my ex, but because it would be disrespectful to his new girlfriend and even though I don’t know her and want nothing to do with her, I won’t give her any reason to talk trash about me to other people. Let’s not even mention my SO and how he would feel if I sent something like that to my ex. I have daughter’s. I need to be an example for them. I hope I can pass my values on to my girls because I would hate for them to grow up to be clingy and disrespectful exes.
Today I went to a bridal shower for my cousin. I love weddings. I love love. I always have. While at the shower this sweet little guy snuggled up on mommy and went to sleep. Gosh I have missed this all week. I will never have enough time with him. It sucks to pay other people to raise your kid. I know most people don’t look at it that way, but I do. I don’t want to sacrifice that time with him and I have to. Thursday was the best day of the week because he had a neurologist appointment and I got to pick him up at 3 pm. Finally home to him before 6 pm. It was amazing. When I was pregnant with him he had extra fluid on his brain so the neurologist is following him. He told me I have a perfect baby and that I’m doing a great job. Exactly what I needed to hear. I found out midway through pregnancy that the baby has Beckwith Wiedemann Syndrome. It’s a overgrowth condition. (His intestines were outside of his stomach, which is what led to the testing and now he will be screened for childhood cancers frequently.) My little man has been through a lot so far which I think makes it a million times harder to leave him. When he was born he spent 11 days in the NICU. I slept at home and then spent maybe 4-5 hours awake with the others kids at home. I was killing myself but felt horrible leaving him there alone with the nurses. I know it’s their job, but he is MY baby. MY responsibility. These days the other kids are in school all day and they are old enough to understand. This sweet little one has no idea what’s going on and he needs me, but I can’t be there. Life definitely isn’t fair.
I love my son’s father like nothing before. I can’t even begin to describe the connection we have. My life is truly incomplete without him. If we are fighting nothing in my world is right. It is the most ridiculous yet amazing thing ever. The best part is that I know he is just as crazy in love with me. He would move mountains for me. He would give me anything money could buy. He would do almost anything to make me happy. Yep, I said almost. Almost because he has 2 other son’s. Their mom is not a great person. She makes very questionable parenting choices, she is selfish and manipulative. She calls and texts at all hours. She calls for a shoulder to cry on when she gets herself into a jam and needs bailed out (and always gets bailed out). It is the most frustrating thing I have ever had to deal with. No matter how many times I say something, he keeps allowing it because she is the boys mom. I’m 2 seconds from telling her that she is the saddest excuse of a “single mom” I have ever met. She is an even sadder excuse of a woman. I was never aware that having myself together wasn’t the way normal people did things, but after dealing with her I am. It’s sad. I feel incredibly sad for the boys that she thinks her example is acceptable. Ladies, if you are going to be a “single mom” please do it right. Men, if you are going to co-parent set boundaries.
Today was my first day back at work. I woke up very early to kisses and being told that it’s gonna be ok. I really do love him. It’s going to be a very long week, month, 5 years…but I have to do it.
I’ve never had to put one of my kids in daycare. I was lucky. I was a stay at home mom with all of my girls. My ex is probably one of the worst people I have ever met, but his time in the military gave me the chance to be home with my girls and I can at least be thankful for that. Tomorrow I go back to work after almost 3 months of maternity leave. Leaving my son for the longest yet. He doesn’t start his actual home daycare for about 2 months, but still I have to be away from him. I don’t know why anyone chooses to do this. It sucks and I haven’t even started yet. I can only hope that knowing he is with someone I have known for 29 years makes it a little easier on me. I’m gonna miss those chubby little cheeks and big blue eyes. He is just starting to smile at me and I have to give that up for 9.5 hours everyday. That’s life though. People always say “I don’t know how you do it.” Well, it isn’t an option. I do it because it has to be done. So tomorrow I will get up, get ready for work and when I leave that sweet little baby with one of my best friends it will be because I have to.
This is the post excerpt.
There is always so much going on in my life. I hope something I have to say can help someone or someone can relate and just not feel alone. I have 4 kids. 3 from a previous marriage that won’t end and one from a current relationship and then he has 2 more. So yes, 6 kids and 2 crazy exes. I’m ready to lose my mind most days, but I keep it together because I have to. That’s life. Well my life at least.